here with me

I dreamt of my grandfather yesterday. Hardly significant for anybody else, but of import to my family and I, seeing that he passed away on the 24th of October this year.

I want to write about that day in all its details, because I don’t want to forget it. I had accompanied my mother out for her health screening, with plans to visit my grandmother’s later that day, as we had been told that my grandfather was doing poorly. When we were just about done at the clinic, my father called me at about 1030hrs to tell me that my grandfather had passed.

In all honestly, his death was expected, in the way that one accepts that a beloved’s time is rapidly coming to a close; and my grandfather had been frail for a long while. But I had wished for more time with him. We just saw him the week before after all, and there was no change to the status quo, he had not been ill the past week. We were told that he had woken up that Saturday morning looking weaker than normal and had started wheezing. Fortunately, his last few moments were not spent in pain, and importantly, my grandmother and one of my uncles was by his side when he finally passed on. In other words, he had a good death. And yes, as distasteful as the issue might be, I firmly believe that there is such a thing as a good way to go and my grandfather was one of the blessed ones.

My grandfather had been blind and near-deaf. My last coherent conversation with him was actually in August 2008, the night before I left for New York again. I had kissed him goodbye, and he promised me that he’d pray for my safety and health. It was a difficult conversation both literally and figuratively – he barely caught what I told him, and I was in tears the whole time.

Friends had asked me why I didn’t aggressively pursue the option of getting my PhD after my Master’s. There were many factors involved, but high on my list of priorities was that I wanted to get back home to see my grandfather, unsure of how much time I had left with him. As it turned out, it wasn’t much at all. But at least I was already home in Singapore. It was sad to have my decision to return home vindicated this way. But it was the right one after all.

I saw my grandfather’s face in my dream. I don’t recall words being exchanged, but I distinctly recall him being joyous and happy.

Rest in peace, Tok Bah.